Sunday, December 19, 2004

Le Morte d'Everybody but James

Then at the feast of the fair maidens Paula and Tina in the keeps of Crown Court, Sir James said unto his brethren and sistern, As we have reached the end of Michaelmas, let us joust with XBox. This is well said of you, they agreed. And so the cry was made in Crown Court, Howe Street, Madison Towers, and the exotic lands of the mysterious Lady Laurie; that on the next day, pious men and women should come to Grimmelkeep beside the fabled Path of Wooster; and there all the knights and ladies that there came should seek God's favor in a battle of Halo: Combat Evolved.

And so there came many good knights and the mysterious Lady Laurie. For Sir Steven was the first, bearing with him his famed gray television. There came the mysterious Lady Laurie, and with her the fabled second XBox, hewed from plastic stained black from industrial processes; and Sir Tim the Schnabel with his sinful sweets. Then came in Sir Jeffrey, a noble knight, and Sir Chris the Jeu, vaunted veterans of past tourneys; and Sir Stephen of Sachs, who but scant years past had fought valiantly in the Wars of Quake II.

Now leave we of these great warriors, and let us speak of the great array that was made within the keep for all parties, that there lacked nothing, for there were two televisions angled at the right proportions, and electrical lines for the two XBoxes; and being in his keep, Sir James set out comfortable seats for all; for he is the Grimmel Man.

And upon the anointed hour, when mass and matins were done, there were heralds with trumpets commanded to blow to the field. And so there came Sir Tim the Schnabel, and there encountered with him the mysterious Lady Laurie, and either of them brake their plasma weapons to their hands, wherefore the mysterious Lady Laurie smote the Schnabel with her assault rifle. And then came in Sir James into the field, and there encountered with him Sir Steven, and Sir Steven smote him so hard with a shotgun that Sir James reeled; but Sir James had attached a plasma grenade to Sir Steven, wherefore Sir Steven perished. Then came in Sir Stephen of Sachs, and there encountered Sir Jeffrey and Sir Chris the Jeu, and in a hail of rockets like a refiner's fire these goodly knights met their demise.

Then when this was done there was drawing of shotguns, assault rifles, plasma pistols, and sniper rifles; and then there began a sore tournament. And there did Sir Tim the Schnabel marvellous deeds of arms, as when betwixt Sir Steven and Sir James he fired a rocket and in one blow smote them both, Ghosts and men; and there did the mysterious Lady Laurie stand bravely alone against Warthogs twain as the craven Sir Steven cowered in his fastness, whereupon she led him with two tanks to smite Sir James and Sir Tim; and then came Sir Stephen of Sachs, who though the hour was late mastered the throwing of grenades and the talking of trash and held aloft the great skull of Oddball; but Sir James 0wnzed us all; for he is the Grimmel Man.

But when the knights and lady wist that the hour had waned, they let cry that all good people should depart unto their lodging. Then rode Sir James with Sir Steven and Sir Tim the Schnabel, and the mysterious Lady Laurie, and parted ways, and so to bed.

(With apologies to Sir Thomas Malory.)